So I just got home from a two-year excursion in France where I immersed myself in sharing the Restored Gospel to everyone I came in contact with. It was BLISS!! And I've realized that one of the things I loved while I was there was the predictability - a luxury that I do not now enjoy.
There is a lot of unpredictable things in my life. The two major ones include my major/career (as I think I've mentioned before), and... marriage. And what's the precursor to marriage? As I am repeatedly reminded by my grandma, my mom, and most anyone I come in contact with - the anything-but-predictable-predicament of DATING!!!
I've actually been fortunate enough to go on a bunch of dates since my mission. Nobody I'm terribly interested in yet, but I've met a lot of really nice people. Then one fateful night I crossed paths with a tall and handsome young man. We talked. We laughed. I enjoyed my fifteen or twenty minute exchange that I had with him. As I walked away I realized how much I liked talking to him. I was extremely tickled when he added me as a friend on Facebook, and the next day invited me to a movie night. I was probably more excited than I should have been, but I just felt like he was a really cool person, and I was excited to get to know him better. During the weeks to follow we talked almost every day. But he never asked me out. I saw him a few times in between. I felt extremely insecure, especially since I had felt that I had been very forward in my online conversations with him. So we never got to really talk like we did x weeks ago.
I'm mostly bummed with little glimmers of hope here and there over the dumbest things.I keep having those moments of -- Does he like me? Maybe?! Oh... maybe not. Wait he talked to me! ... oh, he ended the conversation... Over and over and over again. It's driving me NUTS!! Is he interested or not? Am I being played? Is he keeping tabs with me just in case the girl he's actively pursuing doesn't work out? And HOW DO I KNOW?!?!
This long anecdote boils down do a point - Dating is in no way what it used to be. Nor what I personally believe it should be. I have gained so much more respect for those sweet guys that take the time to ask a girl on a date, spending some time with her to get to know her. No need for games. No need for social media intermediaries. Straightforward one-on-one time.
What I'm finding is that most people rely too heavily on "hanging-out." Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with other people. I'm always game for a good party! But I don't think it should replace dating. Too many people play the game of hanging out with someone long enough that they eventually hold hands, kiss and start dating. Just saying, I'm personally not a fan for the following reasons:
1. Impersonal. I see that it's a really easy way to test the waters when you're trying to figure out if you're interested enough to ask them on a date, or to get to a place where you feel comfortable asking them on a date. But use it as a stepping stone please and not as your main source of transportation. When you know you'd like to get to know that one person better, just ask her out! If she rejects you, she's not worth it, move on.
2. The ultimate lack of commitment. One date does NOT mean it has to go anywhere. It does NOT mean you are automatically put in a committed serious relationship. But at the same time you should not be focused on a quick bit of action. In my opinion, the goal is not the hook-up, but rather it's looking for someone that you want to be with, that you want to know better. Ultimately, you're looking for someone you want to add into your life. That doesn't come with the quick girlfriend, but rather with the amount of quality time spent with a person.
3. (Last one for the night) Things are WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY SHOULD BE!!!
It turns into this huge game of "Does he love me, does he not?" On BOTH sides. Does that look mean she likes me? Or was that a friend-zone look? He asked me to hang out again, does that mean he likes me? Or am I just his friend? Or was it so he could invite my roommate that he thinks is cute?? The thing is you NEVER KNOW because so often both sides of the party are swimming in their own ideas of whether or not there could be something happening. Or one person tries to pursue an opportunity and is disappointed to find that the other person never felt the same way the entire time. On the contrary, if you ask her on a date and she accepts, there is a mutual understanding that you both would like an opportunity to get to know each other a little better. If she accepts the second date, then you know she's interested to look into it a little more, etc. You stay on the same page as the relationship progresses, without the guessing games!!
So a quick shout-out to all those guys that had the guts to ask me on a date. It takes courage to do that, and I am grateful that you took the chance. I'm sorry that I wasn't interested - I can't always help that. But I'm grateful that you took a chance.
Can we recommit right now? Guys - I've given you my mouthful. Girls - make it easier on the guys. Take a chance on the first date - you never know what might happen! But don't be quizzing him about where the relationship is going on the second date either.
And for heaven's sake people - JUST LEARN HOW TO DATE!!!
There is a lot of unpredictable things in my life. The two major ones include my major/career (as I think I've mentioned before), and... marriage. And what's the precursor to marriage? As I am repeatedly reminded by my grandma, my mom, and most anyone I come in contact with - the anything-but-predictable-predicament of DATING!!!
I've actually been fortunate enough to go on a bunch of dates since my mission. Nobody I'm terribly interested in yet, but I've met a lot of really nice people. Then one fateful night I crossed paths with a tall and handsome young man. We talked. We laughed. I enjoyed my fifteen or twenty minute exchange that I had with him. As I walked away I realized how much I liked talking to him. I was extremely tickled when he added me as a friend on Facebook, and the next day invited me to a movie night. I was probably more excited than I should have been, but I just felt like he was a really cool person, and I was excited to get to know him better. During the weeks to follow we talked almost every day. But he never asked me out. I saw him a few times in between. I felt extremely insecure, especially since I had felt that I had been very forward in my online conversations with him. So we never got to really talk like we did x weeks ago.
I'm mostly bummed with little glimmers of hope here and there over the dumbest things.I keep having those moments of -- Does he like me? Maybe?! Oh... maybe not. Wait he talked to me! ... oh, he ended the conversation... Over and over and over again. It's driving me NUTS!! Is he interested or not? Am I being played? Is he keeping tabs with me just in case the girl he's actively pursuing doesn't work out? And HOW DO I KNOW?!?!
This long anecdote boils down do a point - Dating is in no way what it used to be. Nor what I personally believe it should be. I have gained so much more respect for those sweet guys that take the time to ask a girl on a date, spending some time with her to get to know her. No need for games. No need for social media intermediaries. Straightforward one-on-one time.
What I'm finding is that most people rely too heavily on "hanging-out." Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with other people. I'm always game for a good party! But I don't think it should replace dating. Too many people play the game of hanging out with someone long enough that they eventually hold hands, kiss and start dating. Just saying, I'm personally not a fan for the following reasons:
1. Impersonal. I see that it's a really easy way to test the waters when you're trying to figure out if you're interested enough to ask them on a date, or to get to a place where you feel comfortable asking them on a date. But use it as a stepping stone please and not as your main source of transportation. When you know you'd like to get to know that one person better, just ask her out! If she rejects you, she's not worth it, move on.
2. The ultimate lack of commitment. One date does NOT mean it has to go anywhere. It does NOT mean you are automatically put in a committed serious relationship. But at the same time you should not be focused on a quick bit of action. In my opinion, the goal is not the hook-up, but rather it's looking for someone that you want to be with, that you want to know better. Ultimately, you're looking for someone you want to add into your life. That doesn't come with the quick girlfriend, but rather with the amount of quality time spent with a person.
3. (Last one for the night) Things are WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY SHOULD BE!!!
It turns into this huge game of "Does he love me, does he not?" On BOTH sides. Does that look mean she likes me? Or was that a friend-zone look? He asked me to hang out again, does that mean he likes me? Or am I just his friend? Or was it so he could invite my roommate that he thinks is cute?? The thing is you NEVER KNOW because so often both sides of the party are swimming in their own ideas of whether or not there could be something happening. Or one person tries to pursue an opportunity and is disappointed to find that the other person never felt the same way the entire time. On the contrary, if you ask her on a date and she accepts, there is a mutual understanding that you both would like an opportunity to get to know each other a little better. If she accepts the second date, then you know she's interested to look into it a little more, etc. You stay on the same page as the relationship progresses, without the guessing games!!
So a quick shout-out to all those guys that had the guts to ask me on a date. It takes courage to do that, and I am grateful that you took the chance. I'm sorry that I wasn't interested - I can't always help that. But I'm grateful that you took a chance.
Can we recommit right now? Guys - I've given you my mouthful. Girls - make it easier on the guys. Take a chance on the first date - you never know what might happen! But don't be quizzing him about where the relationship is going on the second date either.
And for heaven's sake people - JUST LEARN HOW TO DATE!!!
